BARBECUING It's the only type of cooking a "real man" will do.
When a man volunteers to do the "BBQ" the following chain of events are put into motion:
1) The woman goes to the store.
2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the veggies.
6) The woman goes outside to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off". And upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
Hillbilly Herman James enlisted in the Army and on the first day as an enlisted man he was given a comb. The following day the Army barber sheared all of his hair off. On the third day the Army gave him a tooth brush. On the fourth day the Army dentist yanked several of his teeth out. On the fifth day he was given a jock strap, that afternoon Herman went AWOL.
"Is it time for that summer outfit?"
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
LANGUAGE OF MEN -- WHAT THEY MEAN WHEN THEY SAY...
"I'M GOING FISHING." Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, pee in the bushes, eat disgusting mystery meat from a can, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING." Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
' "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR ..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN." Means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Means: "I was wondering if that blonde over there is wearing a bra."
Friendship among Women... A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men... A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that he was still there!
"The other day I forgot my pants, no one noticed!"
LESSONS FROM MOM
My Mom taught me RELIGION - You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My Mom taught me about TIME TRAVEL - "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My Mom taught me LOGIC - "Because I said so, that's why."
My Mom taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."
My Mom taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."
My Mom taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My Mom taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My Mom taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
My Mom taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My Mom taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"
My Mom taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times... Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My Mom taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world and I can take you out."
My Mom taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
My Mom taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!"
You Know You are Addicted to Coffee When...
* You can jump start your car without cables.
*You answer the door before people knock.
*Your eyes stay open even when you sneeze.
*You can type sixty words per minute -- with your feet.
*Instant coffee takes too long to make.
*You don't sweat... you percolate.
*You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
*Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
*When someone asks 'How are you?' you say, 'Good to the last drop'.
*You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
*You don't get mad, you get steamed.
*You don't tan, you roast.
*You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate.
*You think CPR stands for Coffee Provides Resuscitation.
*Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
*You take your morning coffee with you in the shower.
A Beer Study: Yesterday scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
"I could go for a good German beer right now."
DOCTORS...
Let me tell you about my doctor. He is very good. If you tell him you want a second opinion, he will go out and come in again.
While he was talking to me his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he is invisible." The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
Another time a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor, doctor, my son just swallowed a roll of film." The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."
One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem." The doctor asked, "When did it start? " The man replied, "When did what start?"
I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His advice: "Don't answer it."
My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell." The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these. If they don't work, give me a ring."
Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.
You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."
"Now I could use some aspirin!"
You know you're really broke when
American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.
Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
Your bologna has no first name.
You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.
McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
At communion you go back for seconds.
You wash your toilet paper.
You have to save up to be poor.
You're in college.
You owe yourself money.
Your imaginary friend has more money than you.
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